I know how to fix voting problems!

Three words:

Scales...Of...Justice. (like these)
The heaviest side wins (theoretically, the side with the highest turnout).

I know what you're all thinking: "But that will never work! What about the really fat people? What about the really skinny people?! Under-representation of certain socio-economic classes?!"

Here's how it will work (it's easy because we only have a "two party" system):

Republicans on one side, Democrats on the other. You see, all of the Republicans will be thin, likely due to their expensive gym memberships and personal trainers. To offset the handicap of their svelte builds, they will simply line their pockets with all of the gold (coincidentally one of the heaviest metals; see AU on the periodic table) that they have accumulated through hard work and tax cuts.

On the other side are the Democrats. Yes, there are some wealthy Democrats, but not many. Instead of lining their pockets with gold, they will be able to use packets of foodstamps, which they freely hand out. The real coup de grace for the Dems is the fat people. Being mostly poor, the Dems can't afford a personal chef....So, they eat fast food and get fat. Advantage: Dems.

Now, whilst these two mainstream parties piss and moan about who is cheating, the Independents will sweep in and kick the scales over, thus ending the two party gripe sessions that so often accompany elections. They will then assume office and proceed to lead the country in a more "peaceful" direction.
Hooray! It seems like the only thing Independent party is known for is drug decriminalization. Really folks, an ounce of marijuana!? (yup, it's the big bag). As if we weren't stupid enough-let's make everyone dumber. Coincidentally, this referendum was on the ballot in Arizona and Nevada...Nevada being the state with the strictest drug laws in the nation.

Politics are amusing. I tried to offend everyone with this post...don't take it too seriously.


-N